Marriage Mondays
I know for myself that even the worst of marriages can be saved. Both partners don’t even have to agree or even want to work on it, all it takes is one spouse to decide to ask God for help, to fix what is broken.
The key is to listen to the guidance He puts in your heart. He will reveal changes that you need to make and while you will be tempted to fret about changes your spouse needs to make, resist the urge to point fingers.
Before you can make those changes, you’ll need to be totally honest with yourself. Do you think that your spouse is the only one at fault? Have you been perfect? Have you never had an unruly thought or action?
Be honest with yourself – that doesn’t mean beat yourself with guilt – it simply means be honest. Being honest will allow you to be more merciful and accepting of your spouse’s issues.
Accept the fact that dramatic changes can’t always happen over night, although if you truly submit your will and trust to God, He just might surprise you. Don’t try to have a super-big “where this relationship is going” talk. Instead, revive those old hopes and dreams you once shared and just spend some time together talking about any and everything, but the relationship. Just focus on enjoying your spouse’s company and resist – and I mean RESIST the urge to drudge up those negative thoughts about what he or she has done wrong. Wipe them as far from your mind as you can so to allow yourself to begin the forgiving process.
Everyday work consistently to make those changes within yourself and then be patient. Develop an atmosphere of peace in your mind. This will require constant dismissal of those angry, negative, hurtful, blaming – awful thoughts. Dismiss them with an attitude – say to yourself, “Oh no, I’m not about to sit here and think about all these horrible things – get out of my head, right now!”
It doesn’t matter if you have to say if 50 times a day or in one hour, consistently make an effort to block those thoughts from entering your mind and causing you to feel angry and hurt. If you have to do it 50 times the first hour, the next will be easier – you might only have to say 49 times 
but regardless, it will get better.
If you want your marriage to work – all it takes is you. Forget what the other person says and does. Now this is not permission to stalk people and act like a total pitiful mess. If an action is not dignified and tactful, refrain! What I am saying is if you want it to work, it can, but it will take time and will require God’s help.
So how bad do you want it?
Stop whatever you’re doing and pray your most deepest, heart-felt prayer right now. Then open yourself up to listen to what he tells you. His plans are far greater than our plans – remember that, and let Him work it out.
Don’t give up.
For some specific strategies for what to do and what NOT to do, I sincerely suggest reading Save Your Christian Marriage. Yes, this is an affiliate link, but I own this book – I’ve read it and I thank the Lord that I did just in time, before I did something I know I would’ve lived to regret.
If you’re not currently is this situation, what advice would you give someone who is on the verge of giving up on a marital relationship?
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Kiesha holds a Master of Arts in English and is a graduate of the University of Toledo.
Hmm…interesting post. I have so many thoughts going in so many directions I’m not sure where to start but I’m going to try. Don’t worry it’s not an attack.
I agree that you shouldn’t give up easily but I also don’t think you should be unhappy for years because you want to stay married and your spouse doesn’t. When I say years I don’t mean two. I meant 15 and up. I know marriage is hard.
Some people are not meant to be in your life forever and sadly sometimes that person is the spouse.
My advice would depend on the reason. If my friend’s spouse kills someone I would tell her remember the good times and move on. 20 to live without the possibility of parole is a long time to try to keep the marriage alive.
Here’s a simpler example. My friend is a spender and is married to a saver. I don’t mean spender as in buying one expensive thing and hiding it in the closet(that’s wrong too) every now and then. She is a compulsive spender so much so that they have lost the house and one of the cars (her car of course).
If she listened to my suggestion to pray and tell her husband everything I would pay for the first counseling session and encourage her to stay strong and keep praying once she felt and saw what her spending and lying did to her marriage reflected back to her in her husband’s face as he told her how deeply it hurt.*
Some couples are in therapy for a few years. Nothing wrong with that. As long as there is progress I still agree with you to keep believing.
Let’s say she doesn’t take my advice and tells him just enough to stay. She know he’s the only one with enough money for the $300/mo apartment on the bad side of town they are forced to live in now. She bluffs her way through counseling too and now it’s now year three and still no change and now they have two year old. How long is the husband suppose to stay? Should he keep praying and waiting for change even though the kid is now 14?
Shouldn’t there be a point when you realize there’s nothing you can do? If one’s not receptive to the help your praying for what do you do?
*What a great run on sentence. My English teachers would be so proud. lol. Oh, and I need new friends.
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Hi Adrienne,
I can definitely understand your view. There are some instances I would have to say are definitely signs to get out – for example, I would never encourage anyone to stay in a physically abusive relationship and I definitely wouldn’t want anyone to stay married to a murder.
While I can see the problems your friend’s financial choices are causing – I still have to put it into perspective – what is more important? Money or the one you love?
While I can certainly sympathize with the man, if he loves her, it’s supposed to be unconditional – spending problem and all. And while she is wrong, I doubt that it’s something she’s consciously choosing to do solely out of spite. She obviously has some underlying issue that is causing her to act this way. What kind of grief might she be going through that would cause her to behave this way? And while we might be quick to say, she doesn’t have any grief – we could never totally know what is going on inside another person’s mind. Only God knows that and that’s why he’s really the only one who can fix things.
But without faith and patience, divorce will always seem like a quick and easy fix.
I’ve witnessed too many stories of divorce regret. They far outweight the marriage regret stories.
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